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As a bleeding heart American, nothing pumps up my testosterone levels like the 4th of July.
It is the day we told those smelly Brits to fuck off and head back to the Godforsaken island they call home.
It is the day we remember our Founding Fathers by drinking an excessive amount of alcohol, blow shit up, and wear as much denim and American Flag apparel as humanly possible.
I like to think Thomas Jefferson is looking down from Heaven in a state of pure bliss, tears rolling down his face, as he watches Todd from Kentucky pound his Thirteenth Budweiser and shoot his buddy Carl with a Roman Candle he has wedged between his ass cheeks.
God bless America.
No one loves their country as much as Americans love their country, and no one hates their country as much as Americans hate their country.
Truth is, were a bunch of whiny little bitches. But on the 4th, that all changes. We wanted to show our appreciation for the US of A with a post dedicated to the American film industry.
Initially, this post was going to be made up of nothing but every movie listed on Chuck Norris’ IMDb page, because nothing is more American than Chuck Fucking Norris.
Just look at that sexy machine. He’s half man, half grizzly bear, half bald eagle. No man has done more for the denim industry or caused men to question their sexuality more than Uncle Chuck, but that is neither here nor there.
Here is our list of the most American movies ever made!
What makes it American?
This movie turned the Air Force into the sexiest occupation on earth. Moviegoers of all ages and sex would visit their local theatre with an extra pair of pants because they knew they were going to climax at least one of the fifteen times Highway to the Danger Zone came on.
What makes it American?
It’s a film about the Vietnam war and the difficult times soldiers faced during battle. It also has Vietnamese hookers and Americans love them almost as much as war.
What makes it American?
Jeff Fucking Goldblum.
What makes it American?
If there is one thing Americans love (other than Chuck Norris, Jeff Goldblum, War, and Vietnamese hookers) it is a good underdog story. Rocky showed that no matter where you come from (even if that place is Philadelphia), there is nothing you can’t achieve with hard work and a solid right hook.
What makes it American?
If you don’t at least consider naming your firstborn child John McClain, regardless of gender, I have a hard time believing you’re not a communist. In addition to never trusting a man by the name of Hans, Die Hard taught us all what sweet American justice looks like.
What makes it American?
To some, Armageddon is a complete piece of trash that the so-called “scientists” at NASA claim to be completely inaccurate. But what the fuck do they know? They’re the ones who hired a bunch of degenerate alcoholics to save the planet. Nonetheless, Armageddon proves that any common man can be a hero with the right crew and a big fucking bomb.
What makes it American?
If time travel is ever made possible, I can all but guarantee at least 90% of the American population (and world population for that matter) will use this scientific achievement to go back in time and dropkick baby Hitler off of a bridge. Tarantino’s manic mind gives us an alternate reality **SPOILER ALERT** where we see Hitler mowed down by two Jews in a movie theatre.
What makes it American?
Saving Private Ryan is the single greatest piece of American cinema ever made. Somehow, this masterpiece didn’t win Best Picture, and that really pisses me off. Nonetheless, SPR shows the bravery of American soldiers, and the sacrifices made to save one of their own.
What makes it American?
Ok, so maybe this one doesn’t have anything to do with the United States, but you show me one American who wasn’t touched by this movie, and I’ll show you a communist who deserves a good water-boarding.
What makes it American?
It’s a movie about the deadliest sniper in American history. Enough said.
What makes it American?
Before Rudy left Notre Dame only to take a job at Radio Shack, ultimately to be mauled to death in Indiana, he showed us the true pride Americans have in the things they love.
What makes it American?
Oliver Stone has made a career out of showcasing his disapproval of the United States, and although it is probably the worst movie on this list, a movie aimed at persuading viewers to dislike the president while he is still in fucking office is about as American as it gets.
What makes it American?
While I love America more than my yet-to-be-conceived child, it is also home to some of the biggest twats in the world. The Big Short is American greed and injustice at its finest.
What makes it American?
Racism, curb stomping, prison assault, the dad from Boy Meets World.
What makes it American?
If there was ever an individual to give Hitler a run for his “Biggest Testical of all Time” branding, it was Osama Bin Laden. The guy was straight up schmegma who fucked with the wrong country. The killing of Bin Laden was a highly-celebrated time and the film Zero Dark Thirty gives a firsthand look at American justice.
Be a lot cooler if ya did
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